On Monday, I had such a great day. It felt like the heaviness of grief had lifted. The sun finally broke through the clouds. I almost felt normal again. This reprieve from sadness lasted into Tuesday morning.
But on Tuesday afternoon, the weight returned. It's not easy to describe it to someone who's never gone through this before. We all have felt the burden of disappointment and various kinds of grief (I have too), but when you lose one of the most significant people in your life, the load of grief is unimaginable. (A dear friend sent me this picture. It accurately depicts grief.)
Thank God, I have discovered that in this place of utter loneliness and burdened with a load of care, God is nearer still.
His Word encourages my heart.
His promises give me hope.
His sacrifice assures me that my loss is not permanent.
Whenever Curt and I planned vacation while our children were little, I would begin talking to them about all we would do during our time away. As I drove to the store with both children strapped in the backseat of the car, I'd entertain them by going over the details of our vacation plans. When I ran out of stuff to tell them about, my seven-year-old daughter would call from the back, "Mommy, let's talk about vacation again." Their hearts filled with anticipation, and they wanted to know more. Somehow, hearing about it gave them a foretaste of the joy that awaited their arrival.
Since Curt passed away, I've been curious to know what he's experiencing in heaven. He already has the answers to our many questions. Faith has become sight. And knowing Curt is there, has piqued my interest like never before. I've been reading books about heaven because, just like my children anticipated vacation, I want to know all I can about what awaits me. And what I've learned so far has whet my appetite. I can hardly wait to arrive there.
When we were preparing for the mission field, my husband went ahead of us to find a home for us to rent. He didn't want to arrive there and have no place for his family to live. So, on his own, Curt searched and found a lovely townhouse that fit our budget and our needs. When everything was signed and ready for us to move in, he came back for us. Then the kids and I saw our new location and home for the first time. Curt had prepared well for our arrival.
In some ways, this is how our separation now feels. It's as though Curt has gone on ahead of us to scout out our new home. I imagine he's seeing and experiencing many things there already that he cannot wait to show us. Knowing Curt, I believe he's looking forward to our arrival with as much joy and anticipation as we feel about seeing him again. And the more I read about heaven, the more I long to enter the place God has prepared for those who love Him.
Therefore, if you have been raised with Christ, keep seeking the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on the things that are above, not on the things that are on earth.
Focusing on heaven has created an urgency within my soul to share Jesus with everyone I meet and to do good deeds to those around me. I'm praying for the many who are still lost. The more people we win to Christ, the sooner our Savior will return and take us home to a place that is more amazing than any vacation anyone has ever taken on this sinful earth. I've seen some majestic sceneries in my lifetime, but they cannot compare to all that awaits us.
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no heart has imagined, what God has prepared for those who love Him."
1 Corinthians 2:9
Surrounded by your glory
What will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus
Or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in your presence
To my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah
Will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
Songwriter: Bart Millard
January 19, 2022