Never Alone

I'm twenty weeks into this grief journey now. There are moments when I still feel as though this didn't happen. Perhaps, I'm stuck inside of a nightmare. Maybe I'll wake up and find Curt is with me. He never had cancer at all. But then reality sinks in, and I experience my loss all over again. How is it possible that this happened to us?

It's not that I don't know Curt is gone. I'm not in denial. I know what's real and what isn't. It's just that sometimes when my phone dings to let me know I have a new text, for just a second, my heart leaps. Curt's texting me to tell me where he is and when he'll be home. In the next second, I remember that that's impossible, which forces me to accept what I cannot change. I've acknowledged the loss, but my subconscious mind or habit of thought has not fully embraced it yet.

I think it will take time for the truth to settle more and more into the deepest recesses of my mind. Those moments of unreality are less frequent than at the beginning. But acceptance is followed closely by loneliness. The more I understand how permanent my loss is, the bleaker my future on earth seems. At moments like these, I need God to fill the void. Anything else that I might run to is only temporary. Eventually, I must deal with my loss. And if a person runs to the wrong thing, they will compound their loss with guilt or regret. Jesus is the only one we can run to when we need our burden lifted. And just running to Him once doesn't fix it for all times. I find that many days I run to Him and fill my mind with His truths several times a day. This reminds me of the famous quote by Corrie Ten Boom: “You may never know that JESUS is all you need, until JESUS is all you have.”

In my Griefshare class, they instructed us to be honest about our needs with those closest to us. For example, let them know how to pray for us specifically. The first person that came to mind was my sister. I know she prays for me all the time. I asked her to please pray that I will have the constant assurance that I'm not alone. I knew she would do so.

Once I told her, I didn't think about it anymore. I had done what I was supposed to do, so I let it go. That evening, I read a book about heaven and another helpful book about comfort, and then I got ready for bed. The next morning, I awoke with a song on my mind that I probably haven't sung since I was a teenager. There was no reason the words should be playing in my thoughts, and yet they were.

Never Alone

When in affliction’s valley
I’m treading the road of care,
My Savior helps me to carry
My cross when heavy to bear,
Though all around me is darkness,
Earthly joys all flown;
My Savior whispers His promise,
“I never will leave thee alone.”

No, never alone,
No, never alone;
He promised never to leave me,
Never to leave me alone.

He died for me on the mountain,
For me they pierced His side,
For me He opened the fountain,
The crimson, cleansing tide;
For me He’s waiting in glory,
Seated upon His throne,
He promised never to leave me,
Never to leave me alone.

Oh, how thankful I am for God's faithfulness to me. "The LORD is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth." Psalm 145:18 NASB. I cling to this promise, and so can you. Grief comes in many forms, not always the loss of a loved one. People grieve many disappointments in life. We live in a fallen and sinful world, and we aren't immune to how this will affect us. No matter what you are facing, this promise is a reassurance to you of God's faithful care. If you've placed your trust in Jesus, you are not alone.


Anneliese Dalaba

January 19, 2022