Of the many diverse emotions of grief, sadness has been my constant for months, and unreality likes to visit often. But, as I mentioned in my last blog, I've recently had days where I almost feel normal. Strangely, as soon as I realize I'm having a good day, the tears return. It seems wrong to have a good day when Curt is still missing from my life? He deserves at least a year of constant tears. I know how ridiculous that statement is, but knowing it in my head is not the same as feeling it in my heart.
Curt would be the first to tell me it's okay to cry and it's okay to feel normal. He would encourage me to allow my heart to heal. To embrace the good days and thank God for them because bad days will soon follow. That's just how it is when grieving someone who meant the world to me. So I'm learning to enjoy the respite and keep on living.
Last weekend, my 3-year-old grandson and I had 24 hours together, just the two of us. My day was full of activities—even my grand-nephew joined us for several hours. Now that Opa doesn't need his side of the bed, my grandson was only too happy to share it with me. He went to bed early, so I did too—because that's what Omas do when their grandchild doesn't want to be alone. When he left the next day, I waved goodbye from my window. My home felt empty. It's a familiar feeling now whenever the kids and grandkids depart. Curt use to take me into his arms at this point, and we would share the empty feeling—and soon, we enjoyed just the two of us again. Now, the emptiness lingers. I fill it with busyness, but it creeps back again.
That night, when I lay in bed, memories of Curt's struggle with cancer plagued me. I told myself, "It's over…he's healed now." And I prayed. Soon I fell asleep and had a wonderful dream. I arrived in heaven. Curt was standing there waiting for me with his arms wide open. I ran and threw myself into his embrace. He held me tight and spun me around. We clung to each other. I cannot begin to describe the joy I felt. My heart was full. I was whole again. Then I awoke. Instead of being disappointed that it was just a dream, the joy lingered even in my wakefulness. I whispered, "Thank you, God. I needed that dream." I felt Him whisper into my heart, "I will provide for you everything you need."
"You thrill me, Lord, with all you have done for me!
I sing for joy because of what you have done.
O Lord, what great works you do!
And how deep are your thoughts."
Oh, the wonder of the love of God. He sees into the deepest part of my soul. He knows the longings I cannot express. He sees the need even before I do. He strengthens. He fills. He restores. He heals. God works patiently and lovingly, step by step.
EVER PRESENT, HERE AGAIN
You are here again,
Unending cycles of a cycleless God.
Showing himself again.
The God who never leaves,
Arrives at my doorstep again.
Solid tree ever present,
Bursts forth in new leaves.
River ever present,
With new water constant flows.
Blows fresh wind to clear my day.
The great Almighty,
Approaches me as a gentle Lamb.
©April 20, 2005
January 19, 2022